Mental health issues associated with relationship breakdown

As family lawyers, we are acutely aware of the emotional impact that separation and divorce can have on our clients. 

Almost all clients will experience negative emotions attached to relationship breakdown, such as anger, fear and sadness. For some, this will have a significant impact on their mental health, which in turn makes it more difficult for them to deal with the legal and practical implications of their separation.

In this insight, our family law partner Sarah Lilley is joined by clinical psychotherapist and divorce coach, Myra Eadie to consider why mental health issues can arise in the context of relationship breakdown, and the role that divorce coaching and family therapy can play alongside specialist legal advice in reducing the emotional impact of separation and divorce. The aim is to achieve more positive outcomes for clients.

Recognising loss in relationship breakdown

Separating couples who are going through a disruptive and painful time in their lives may not realise that they are also grieving the loss of the future they imagined for themselves. They may experience a variety of emotional responses. Loss arising from relationship breakdown can take many forms and may not always be immediately obvious. The loss of emotional support from a spouse or partner and the loss of the family unit are often the most immediate, but clients may also experience the loss of friends, status, their sense of self, and loss of the future they dreamed of or planned for.

If clients are not properly supported to understand and process their feelings of grief and loss, it can be extremely difficult for them to focus on practical matters and to work with their lawyer to identify solutions which will provide the best outcomes. Seeking good counsel from professionals will help to navigate these feelings. One option might be to consult a divorce coach, who can provide practical and emotional support to those navigating the complexities of separation and divorce.

The role of a family lawyer

Family lawyers are uniquely positioned on the front lines of these deeply personal transitions, witnessing not only the legal ramifications at the end of relationships but also the profound toll such events can exact upon the mental health of clients. The role of the family lawyer often extends far beyond legal advice – they become confidants, intermediaries and, at times, the first point of call for clients in distress.

The good family lawyer will adapt the delivery of the legal service provided to take account of a client’s mental health. Distress can manifest in clients as indecision, irritability, forgetfulness or even hostility towards the legal process and/or adviser. Encouraging clients to take notes during meetings, or bring someone along as a support, can be helpful. Further, making sure that clients are clear as to what the options are, is very important. What is right for one client will not be right for another as each circumstance and individual is different.

It is particularly important to consider the methods of dispute resolution at an early stage of engaging with a client. It is likely that methods of alternative dispute resolution (ADR) such as collaboration, mediationand arbitrationwill have a less severe impact on a client’s mental health than litigation. Such methods of ADR can enhance a client’s feeling of empowerment and control. However, it is not always possible to avoid litigation and, when it is necessary, the family lawyer must provide calm and pragmatic advice, at once balancing the needs of the client with the role as an officer of the court.

The role of a divorce coach

Divorce coaches empower clients by providing an environment where their voices can be listened to, in a place where they can feel comfortable and supported. The role of the divorce coach is distinct to that of the lawyer or therapist. Their role is to provide emotional support and practical tools, and to help individuals make strategic plans for their post-divorce future.

Many clients can get stuck in a negative loop in respect of their thoughts and/or behaviour, sometimes resulting in the creation of an impasse which can affect their ability to make good, long-term decisions and impact on how they feel about themselves and others. Divorce coaching can help clients feel more confident in working towards the future, for example to form a positive co-parenting relationship with their former spouse or partner and to help them prepare for and adjust to changes in their lives.

Each situation is unique, bringing its own set of difficulties and with different personalities involved. The divorce coach will understand issues such as coercive behaviour, manipulation and narcissistic tendencies which can be a feature of difficult family breakdowns. Divorce coaching can be beneficial before, during or after consulting with a lawyer.

Key tips for supporting mental health and wellbeing during a divorce

• Accept and acknowledge that relationship breakdown is hard, give yourself time and space grieve the loss of that relationship.

• Consider whether you may benefit from the support and input of a divorce coach or family therapist.

• Look for lawyers and other professional advisers who are trained in trauma informed practice and/or are experienced in working alongside non-legal professionals to offer a holistic approach to navigating relationship breakdown.

• Ask your lawyer to provide options for low conflict methods of dispute resolution such as collaboration and mediation.

“Family breakdown is fraught with emotional as well as legal complexity. As family lawyers, we cannot, and should not, attempt to resolve every aspect of our clients’ distress. However, by fostering a sensitive, informed, and supportive approach, we can help our clients navigate not only the legal issues, but also the emotional impact that accompanies relationship change. Through early intervention, the use of alternative dispute resolution such collaborative practice, and thoughtful referrals to trained professionals such as Myra, we support not just the outcome of the case, but also the ongoing mental health and resilience of those we represent.”  Sarah A Lilley (Partner – Brodies Family Law Team)